It's been months since the Protective Order expired and thankfully, we have not had the slightest indication of trouble. I fearfully anticipated some sort of attempt to re-enter our lives, but so far nothing. I should be elated. Thrilled. Relieved, at the least. I am not. I continue to live in fear. In fact, the fear has grown since the order expired and with every passing day it worsens. Although it was just a piece of paper and could not actually protect me if he were so determined to harm me; there was a powerful force behind that piece of paper called piece of mind. Now that it is gone I feel victimized all over again. I didn't expect to feel these emotions as the expire date approached. Life for us has been on an upward climb since Jason came back into our lives. We are happy, the kids are happy, our relationship is strong and healthy. Our new life together is everything I hoped it would be. With him, I feel safe. Safe enough to throw caution to the wind and move in with him, abandoning my independence. Over the summer as I thought about both significant events, my thoughts were peaceful. One chapter ends, a new one begins. The worst is now in the past, the best is yet to come. Although I still believe that to be true, it is not entirely in the past. I am overwhelmed with flashbacks to times my subconscious had buried. Regular and very vivid nightmares have driven me to insomnia. After being diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I tried further suppressing these symptoms with medication. Sure, it helped for a short time. Triggers still affected me, but I was better able to pull myself out of the funk. I knew in the back of my mind that this was still just a temporary fix. As my counselor explained, these flashbacks and nightmares came to be because I am finally emotionally strong enough to deal with them. Medication and other means of suppression would only prolong the healing process for me. Sooner or later I would have to face this dead on. Emotionally strong enough? I don't feel very strong, but it's worth a shot facing these demons to rid myself of them for good. The sleeping pills help, sort of, so I continue to take those, but I have since stopped taking the prozac. I say the sleeping pills sort help of because they make me sleepy, but once asleep, the nightmares still come. Sometimes they consist of me going about my day but with that uneasy, always cautious feeling in the pit of my stomach. Sometimes they are so frightening that I wake Jason with the motion of my legs as I am running in my dreams or when I wake because I have fallen off my bed because of the struggle. The worst was when I dreamed that I was scratching his face and Jason was an unsuspecting victim. He woke me and said at first he thought it was our cat, but realized it was me scratching him. I broke down in tears apologizing and feeling absolutely helpless. How could I have done that to Jason? How can I stop these nightmares, and how can I live- and sleep like a normal person? This is what they refer to as the batterer's bonus. Even with him completely out of my life he has a devastating effect on me. I am eternally thankful that Jason is so loving and patient with me. Instead of becoming fed up with my inability to cope, he offers his love. "When he's coming at you, just think to yourself that I'm there with you and I'll kick his ass," he says. Sometimes this works, but sometimes he's the innocent bysleeper. Instead of getting angry about the rude awakenings, he tells me "so, i get scratched in the face... I'll wake you up and the nightmare is over." He truly is my hero. As I sit here now, I recall being told, "no one will ever want a single mother with two kids; I'm the best you could ever get." There was a time I believed that might be true. Today I know I have been blessed with a man ten thousand times better and probably more than I deserve. He loves me, he loves my kids, and he's the love of my life.

i AM a Princess

When I was a little girl, my father used to tell me I was his little princess. I know many fathers say this to their little girls, but there was something about the way my father told me that made me believe that I truly was a princess.
At age four, I often played with a girl who lived two houses down. Her mother and my mother were close friends. As we played beside the house our mothers chatted around the corner. I remember her saying to me, "let's pretend we are princesses!" Naturally, my response was that I was a princess and didn't have to pretend that. I wanted to pretend something else. There was no fun in pretending what was my reality. This story has followed me my entire life and has provided for many laughs; as well as endless embarrassment on my part.
As an adult, I am no longer embarrassed at this, but proud to tell this story. My father loved me so strongly that he instilled in me a sense of self-worth. He said it with such certainty and he said it several times daily. Perhaps it was the fact that he more than said it, he treated me like a princess. He showered me with love, he confirmed that love with silly rituals, and he protected our home and livelihood. He allowed me to be a child and encouraged me to express myself freely. He showed me that he felt I was worthy of the best. To him, I was a true princess.
Somewhere throughout the years, I lost this conviction. I allowed the opinions of others to strip me of my title. I accepted their judgments and aspired to be what they wanted me to be. I forgot that I was already the best me.
If I had held onto that feeling my father gave to me, my life would be much different than it is today. For better or worse, I do not know. Just different. I cannot say that I regret the choices I have made. Even the choices that allowed me to be treated like a beggar rather than a princess, have taught me humility and gratitude. I have become compassionate, patient, and loyal through my tribulations.
What I do know is that despite the choices I make, I am still worthy of being treated like a princess. Once again, I believe in my heart that I am a true princess. I now teach my daughter to believe the same of herself. When you think of yourself as valuable as a princess, you will not tolerate being treated like anything else.
This is not to be vain, or selfish. A good princess also has a good heart. Every woman, EVERY woman is a princess. Without us, life would cease to exist. Our homes, communities, our countries would falter. We have to know that our presence is vital. We have to know that we make a difference in this thing called life. Once a woman knows what she is deserving of, she will demand it. And once she receives it, she will have the strength to change the world. Even if it is only her own.

again

i shouldn't be going through this again.
i have done nothing wrong.
for the first time i am sure.
sure of my heart. sure of him.
sure of nothing.

i'm scared. i'm lonely.
i'm hurt.

no really. it hurts.

when i walk.
it's bruised, my foot.

when i breath.
it's broken, my heart.

i shouldn't be going through this again.
i have done nothing wrong.
for the last time i am afraid.
afraid of my heart. afraid of a man.
afraid of everything.

start over? without him?
i'm still in love.
not again. no, please not again.

go to hell

another dreaded text from an abuser?!
wishing me well.
'hope you're surrounded by happiness'.
go to hell i say!

but he didn't.

why won't this woman beater leave me alone?!
'to move forward, i must make ammends'.
go to hell i say!

but he didn't.

in my place he thanked him.
asked politely to stop texting.
go to hell, i would have said!

it was you who chose to be with him.
you should have seen it coming.
why should he go to hell?

every damn stereotype!
i must rebut.

it was trickery, i tell you!
i saw it too late!

the blame is not mine!
nor is the shame!

if you do not see this,
you can do the same!
go to hell i say!

so what?!

so you completed anger management...
so what now?
should i thank you or congratulate you?
or maybe i should laugh at you.
so...

i laugh because it makes no difference.
no difference in you, no difference in me.
so i laugh. so?

so you completed anger management...
so what now?
should i give in or hide away?
or maybe i should battle you.
so...

i battle because it makes a difference.
a difference for him, a difference for me.
so i battle. so?

Saving all Rihannas

I am deeply saddened and disappointed by Rihanna's decision to forgive and stay with asshole Chris Brown. They are both so much in the public's eye and have such a strong influence over the upcoming generation that, I believe, to many of them, it sends the message that this type of behavior is acceptable. IT IS NOT!!

Through my years of domestic violence counseling, I know that statistically, a woman will attempt to flee this situation (on average) seven times before she successfully leaves or is successfully killed. It took me eight, so this is a statistic I believe to be true. I wonder how many times, if any she has reached out for help. As I said in a previous blog: this was not the first time he hit her. It gets worse and more frequent over time, so I am certain she has endured this type of pain at his hands before. Whom ever she reached out to previously did not do enough.

One out of four women are domestic violence victims. This statistic holds true for teenage girls as well. I am one and chances are, one of you reading this is a victim too. Again, I offer a helping hand. Literally. I will hold your hand and walk you through every step. The life of a victim is not one worth living. I can proudly say, as a SURVIVOR, that life is beautiful on the other side of abuse.

I am not meaning to blame Rihanna or any other victim for staying. I have been there. I have lied for the abuser, made excuses for his behavior, forgiven him for scarring my body- all in the name of love. At least that's what I thought it was. As Oprah says, "love does not hurt."

I am now with a wonderful man who has put up with a lot of my crap for years. He has seen me in my worst moments and walked out on me many times. Thankfully, he walked out. Even though I begged him to stay- he walked out. He never put a hand to me. He never one time thought to deliberately hurt my body in any way. He just walked out. Like a REAL man. Cowards hit!! Only cowards who think they can control a woman's thoughts and actions will hit them. And if they hit once, it WILL happen again. And again.

I pray for Rihanna and all Rihannas living in this vicous cycle. I pray for the upcoming generation who just recieved the message that this is how a 'loving' relationship works. IT IS NOT!! I know that I cannnot save all Rihannas, but I know that I have helped two women stop being victims and taught them to be survivors. I hope that this blog may help another. I have vowed to become more active in advocating for these women.

Love does not hurt. Pain is not worth living through. No one is ever alone in this situation. There are countless people willing to offer support and countless resources available for anyone willing to take them. God bless all Rihannas and may He find a way to bring them to this blog and to my life so that I may help them see a better day.

SPEAK OUT

SPEAK OUT about domestic violence and the lasting effects it has on each life it touches. I'm inspired by the recent publicity of Rihanna's battery. Yes. Inspired. I'm inspired to write this blog. I'm inspired to SPEAK OUT myself. I'm inspired to educate others about this growing epidemic.

I am a survivor of domestic violence and as I read about Rihanna's injuries and the events leading up to, I know that it is a scene I am very familiar with. I also know that this could not have been the first incident. They aren't this bold the first time. I know how she feels today. I know the physical pain, the emotional pain, and the struggle she is now facing.

This is what I want others to learn from this:
I, me, Jenna, has lived a day in the life of Rihanna. This social problem is one that effects people in all walks of life. It discriminates against no one. Regardless of age, race, gender, status; domestic violence rears its ugly head.

My heart goes out to Rihanna. She is a young, beautiful, successful woman. She is on top of the world in the peak of her life. This is not something she should be facing. It's not anything ANYONE should go through. I hope she knows that she is not alone. I hope she knows this can't break her. It won't be long before she's back in the limelight and leaving him in the dust.

This is something that although it changes you for the rest of your life, it does not define you. People have questioned my character regarding this before. Asking why I stayed. Why I allowed it. How did I not see the signs?

The answers to these questions are irrelevent. Pointless. Unless you live the life, you won't understand it. But you should be understanding to the fact that anyone can fall into this trap.

If you know anyone in this situation or are living it yourself. Please know that you don't have to. There are people who will help. Like me. I will hold the hand of any sister through this. I'm out of my abusive marriage since 01.04.05 and happy that it's finally all in the past! I regularly attend support meetings because I know it takes as long to get over it as it does to get into it.

So, SPEAK OUT!! Let Rihanna's pain be a voice for us all. I'm thankful she was brave enough to SPEAK OUT. I hope the publicity of her story motivates millions of women to leave their abusers. God bless Rihanna and all other victims.