i shouldn't be going through this again.
i have done nothing wrong.
for the first time i am sure.
sure of my heart. sure of him.
sure of nothing.
i'm scared. i'm lonely.
i'm hurt.
no really. it hurts.
when i walk.
it's bruised, my foot.
when i breath.
it's broken, my heart.
i shouldn't be going through this again.
i have done nothing wrong.
for the last time i am afraid.
afraid of my heart. afraid of a man.
afraid of everything.
start over? without him?
i'm still in love.
not again. no, please not again.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
go to hell
another dreaded text from an abuser?!
wishing me well.
'hope you're surrounded by happiness'.
go to hell i say!
but he didn't.
why won't this woman beater leave me alone?!
'to move forward, i must make ammends'.
go to hell i say!
but he didn't.
in my place he thanked him.
asked politely to stop texting.
go to hell, i would have said!
it was you who chose to be with him.
you should have seen it coming.
why should he go to hell?
every damn stereotype!
i must rebut.
it was trickery, i tell you!
i saw it too late!
the blame is not mine!
nor is the shame!
if you do not see this,
you can do the same!
go to hell i say!
wishing me well.
'hope you're surrounded by happiness'.
go to hell i say!
but he didn't.
why won't this woman beater leave me alone?!
'to move forward, i must make ammends'.
go to hell i say!
but he didn't.
in my place he thanked him.
asked politely to stop texting.
go to hell, i would have said!
it was you who chose to be with him.
you should have seen it coming.
why should he go to hell?
every damn stereotype!
i must rebut.
it was trickery, i tell you!
i saw it too late!
the blame is not mine!
nor is the shame!
if you do not see this,
you can do the same!
go to hell i say!
Monday, April 6, 2009
so what?!
so you completed anger management...
so what now?
should i thank you or congratulate you?
or maybe i should laugh at you.
so...
i laugh because it makes no difference.
no difference in you, no difference in me.
so i laugh. so?
so you completed anger management...
so what now?
should i give in or hide away?
or maybe i should battle you.
so...
i battle because it makes a difference.
a difference for him, a difference for me.
so i battle. so?
so what now?
should i thank you or congratulate you?
or maybe i should laugh at you.
so...
i laugh because it makes no difference.
no difference in you, no difference in me.
so i laugh. so?
so you completed anger management...
so what now?
should i give in or hide away?
or maybe i should battle you.
so...
i battle because it makes a difference.
a difference for him, a difference for me.
so i battle. so?
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Saving all Rihannas
I am deeply saddened and disappointed by Rihanna's decision to forgive and stay with asshole Chris Brown. They are both so much in the public's eye and have such a strong influence over the upcoming generation that, I believe, to many of them, it sends the message that this type of behavior is acceptable. IT IS NOT!!
Through my years of domestic violence counseling, I know that statistically, a woman will attempt to flee this situation (on average) seven times before she successfully leaves or is successfully killed. It took me eight, so this is a statistic I believe to be true. I wonder how many times, if any she has reached out for help. As I said in a previous blog: this was not the first time he hit her. It gets worse and more frequent over time, so I am certain she has endured this type of pain at his hands before. Whom ever she reached out to previously did not do enough.
One out of four women are domestic violence victims. This statistic holds true for teenage girls as well. I am one and chances are, one of you reading this is a victim too. Again, I offer a helping hand. Literally. I will hold your hand and walk you through every step. The life of a victim is not one worth living. I can proudly say, as a SURVIVOR, that life is beautiful on the other side of abuse.
I am not meaning to blame Rihanna or any other victim for staying. I have been there. I have lied for the abuser, made excuses for his behavior, forgiven him for scarring my body- all in the name of love. At least that's what I thought it was. As Oprah says, "love does not hurt."
I am now with a wonderful man who has put up with a lot of my crap for years. He has seen me in my worst moments and walked out on me many times. Thankfully, he walked out. Even though I begged him to stay- he walked out. He never put a hand to me. He never one time thought to deliberately hurt my body in any way. He just walked out. Like a REAL man. Cowards hit!! Only cowards who think they can control a woman's thoughts and actions will hit them. And if they hit once, it WILL happen again. And again.
I pray for Rihanna and all Rihannas living in this vicous cycle. I pray for the upcoming generation who just recieved the message that this is how a 'loving' relationship works. IT IS NOT!! I know that I cannnot save all Rihannas, but I know that I have helped two women stop being victims and taught them to be survivors. I hope that this blog may help another. I have vowed to become more active in advocating for these women.
Love does not hurt. Pain is not worth living through. No one is ever alone in this situation. There are countless people willing to offer support and countless resources available for anyone willing to take them. God bless all Rihannas and may He find a way to bring them to this blog and to my life so that I may help them see a better day.
Through my years of domestic violence counseling, I know that statistically, a woman will attempt to flee this situation (on average) seven times before she successfully leaves or is successfully killed. It took me eight, so this is a statistic I believe to be true. I wonder how many times, if any she has reached out for help. As I said in a previous blog: this was not the first time he hit her. It gets worse and more frequent over time, so I am certain she has endured this type of pain at his hands before. Whom ever she reached out to previously did not do enough.
One out of four women are domestic violence victims. This statistic holds true for teenage girls as well. I am one and chances are, one of you reading this is a victim too. Again, I offer a helping hand. Literally. I will hold your hand and walk you through every step. The life of a victim is not one worth living. I can proudly say, as a SURVIVOR, that life is beautiful on the other side of abuse.
I am not meaning to blame Rihanna or any other victim for staying. I have been there. I have lied for the abuser, made excuses for his behavior, forgiven him for scarring my body- all in the name of love. At least that's what I thought it was. As Oprah says, "love does not hurt."
I am now with a wonderful man who has put up with a lot of my crap for years. He has seen me in my worst moments and walked out on me many times. Thankfully, he walked out. Even though I begged him to stay- he walked out. He never put a hand to me. He never one time thought to deliberately hurt my body in any way. He just walked out. Like a REAL man. Cowards hit!! Only cowards who think they can control a woman's thoughts and actions will hit them. And if they hit once, it WILL happen again. And again.
I pray for Rihanna and all Rihannas living in this vicous cycle. I pray for the upcoming generation who just recieved the message that this is how a 'loving' relationship works. IT IS NOT!! I know that I cannnot save all Rihannas, but I know that I have helped two women stop being victims and taught them to be survivors. I hope that this blog may help another. I have vowed to become more active in advocating for these women.
Love does not hurt. Pain is not worth living through. No one is ever alone in this situation. There are countless people willing to offer support and countless resources available for anyone willing to take them. God bless all Rihannas and may He find a way to bring them to this blog and to my life so that I may help them see a better day.
SPEAK OUT
SPEAK OUT about domestic violence and the lasting effects it has on each life it touches. I'm inspired by the recent publicity of Rihanna's battery. Yes. Inspired. I'm inspired to write this blog. I'm inspired to SPEAK OUT myself. I'm inspired to educate others about this growing epidemic.
I am a survivor of domestic violence and as I read about Rihanna's injuries and the events leading up to, I know that it is a scene I am very familiar with. I also know that this could not have been the first incident. They aren't this bold the first time. I know how she feels today. I know the physical pain, the emotional pain, and the struggle she is now facing.
This is what I want others to learn from this:
I, me, Jenna, has lived a day in the life of Rihanna. This social problem is one that effects people in all walks of life. It discriminates against no one. Regardless of age, race, gender, status; domestic violence rears its ugly head.
My heart goes out to Rihanna. She is a young, beautiful, successful woman. She is on top of the world in the peak of her life. This is not something she should be facing. It's not anything ANYONE should go through. I hope she knows that she is not alone. I hope she knows this can't break her. It won't be long before she's back in the limelight and leaving him in the dust.
This is something that although it changes you for the rest of your life, it does not define you. People have questioned my character regarding this before. Asking why I stayed. Why I allowed it. How did I not see the signs?
The answers to these questions are irrelevent. Pointless. Unless you live the life, you won't understand it. But you should be understanding to the fact that anyone can fall into this trap.
If you know anyone in this situation or are living it yourself. Please know that you don't have to. There are people who will help. Like me. I will hold the hand of any sister through this. I'm out of my abusive marriage since 01.04.05 and happy that it's finally all in the past! I regularly attend support meetings because I know it takes as long to get over it as it does to get into it.
So, SPEAK OUT!! Let Rihanna's pain be a voice for us all. I'm thankful she was brave enough to SPEAK OUT. I hope the publicity of her story motivates millions of women to leave their abusers. God bless Rihanna and all other victims.
I am a survivor of domestic violence and as I read about Rihanna's injuries and the events leading up to, I know that it is a scene I am very familiar with. I also know that this could not have been the first incident. They aren't this bold the first time. I know how she feels today. I know the physical pain, the emotional pain, and the struggle she is now facing.
This is what I want others to learn from this:
I, me, Jenna, has lived a day in the life of Rihanna. This social problem is one that effects people in all walks of life. It discriminates against no one. Regardless of age, race, gender, status; domestic violence rears its ugly head.
My heart goes out to Rihanna. She is a young, beautiful, successful woman. She is on top of the world in the peak of her life. This is not something she should be facing. It's not anything ANYONE should go through. I hope she knows that she is not alone. I hope she knows this can't break her. It won't be long before she's back in the limelight and leaving him in the dust.
This is something that although it changes you for the rest of your life, it does not define you. People have questioned my character regarding this before. Asking why I stayed. Why I allowed it. How did I not see the signs?
The answers to these questions are irrelevent. Pointless. Unless you live the life, you won't understand it. But you should be understanding to the fact that anyone can fall into this trap.
If you know anyone in this situation or are living it yourself. Please know that you don't have to. There are people who will help. Like me. I will hold the hand of any sister through this. I'm out of my abusive marriage since 01.04.05 and happy that it's finally all in the past! I regularly attend support meetings because I know it takes as long to get over it as it does to get into it.
So, SPEAK OUT!! Let Rihanna's pain be a voice for us all. I'm thankful she was brave enough to SPEAK OUT. I hope the publicity of her story motivates millions of women to leave their abusers. God bless Rihanna and all other victims.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
dad?
dad.
what makes one?
sperm? alone
not at all.
love? alone
not at all.
what do you have,
when you only have one?
sperm or love.
dad?
not at all.
the sperm does not love.
the love cannot sperm.
what makes one?
sperm? alone
not at all.
love? alone
not at all.
what do you have,
when you only have one?
sperm or love.
dad?
not at all.
the sperm does not love.
the love cannot sperm.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
My Empty Closet
Just as the steam rose above the shower curtain, I pulled it aside and stepped in. I showered, reflecting on this week's topic; I tried to envision, like the group counselor suggested, placing each painful memory that I wish I could erase in a box, labeling it, and placing it on a shelf in a closet. The water was piping hot running down my back. I wiped away the tears and thrust my head back so that the water poured onto my face. Only for a quick second though, water on the face is a phobia of mine. The water felt as if it would peel off the skin on my face. I turned around to let the water beat on my chest and closed my eyes as the tears started to come again. As they washed down the drain, I asked myself why these memories continue to be painful to me. For some reason I think if I can just figure out why something happened, did not happen, or why it bothers me, then I can let it go.
An email I received a few years back contained a powerful message that has stayed with me. I think about its significance every time a chapter ends in the book of my life; and apparently I reconsider as I place imaginary labeled memory boxes on an imaginary shelf in an imaginary closet. The email told me that angels live among us. They are sent by God to help us, teach us, guide us or comfort us. The reasons are endless and unique to all. Some are in our lives for only a moment; some maybe a week, a month, a few years, maybe a lifetime. They do what they are meant to do and they move on. We call these angels friends, family, associates, bosses, bank tellers (you get the idea). The feeling I get from the message is to appreciate life's experiences and those who contribute to them. Know that even if things do not end with the resolve you hope for, a better day will come.
I try to find closure in situations that have ended badly by asking what the purpose of the event or person was. What did I learn? How did I benefit? What can I take with me to better myself as a person? As I confronted each box with this question, I realized they existed because they all contained questions I could not find an answer for. I went through them one-by-one, desperately trying to learn the lesson God had intended me to learn. Nothing. "Lord, help me gain the knowledge you intended; help mend my aching heart".
I started to place the boxes back on the shelf one-by-one. I thought once again about the email. Angels are sent to us for a moment, a day, a year. They are sent in the form of friends, family, etc. … And then it hit me! As if God whispered it into my ear Himself. What did I do for them? If it is possible for any random person to be a soldier of God sent to me to perform a duty, then is it not possible for me to be a soldier of God also? This was an awesome discovery. I can not really put it into words. The room was getting too steamy. I adjusted the temperature. It was difficult to breathe. I quickly grabbed up all the remaining boxes and sat down to think about them in this new light.
Amazingly, some I had held onto for years I was able to unpack, release, and let go. Still, others I could not. There was nothing I could think of that benefited either side of the situation. There was absolutely nothing positive I could find about the chain of events or persons involved; nor could I think of anything I did for them. Perplexed and disappointed, I continued to search for closure. After asking the next obvious question, 'what happened as a result?' I realized that after each situation I still had no answer for, something great happened to me. My life in some way improved. I made more money, worked better hours, gained freedom or confidence. These improvements were actually rewards for a job well done. Maybe He never intended for me to know the reasons why. I realize it may not be my place to ask. I feel as if I have been on this journey since my pre-teen years. Always asking myself why. Holding onto pain because I do not understand. Maybe I do not have to understand, but be thankful that I now have an imaginary closet with no boxes to place inside. The steam had cleared, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I let the water spray on forehead and stream down my face. Releasing the breath, I let out a sigh. I turned off the shower, stepped out of the tub, and let go of the pain.
An email I received a few years back contained a powerful message that has stayed with me. I think about its significance every time a chapter ends in the book of my life; and apparently I reconsider as I place imaginary labeled memory boxes on an imaginary shelf in an imaginary closet. The email told me that angels live among us. They are sent by God to help us, teach us, guide us or comfort us. The reasons are endless and unique to all. Some are in our lives for only a moment; some maybe a week, a month, a few years, maybe a lifetime. They do what they are meant to do and they move on. We call these angels friends, family, associates, bosses, bank tellers (you get the idea). The feeling I get from the message is to appreciate life's experiences and those who contribute to them. Know that even if things do not end with the resolve you hope for, a better day will come.
I try to find closure in situations that have ended badly by asking what the purpose of the event or person was. What did I learn? How did I benefit? What can I take with me to better myself as a person? As I confronted each box with this question, I realized they existed because they all contained questions I could not find an answer for. I went through them one-by-one, desperately trying to learn the lesson God had intended me to learn. Nothing. "Lord, help me gain the knowledge you intended; help mend my aching heart".
I started to place the boxes back on the shelf one-by-one. I thought once again about the email. Angels are sent to us for a moment, a day, a year. They are sent in the form of friends, family, etc. … And then it hit me! As if God whispered it into my ear Himself. What did I do for them? If it is possible for any random person to be a soldier of God sent to me to perform a duty, then is it not possible for me to be a soldier of God also? This was an awesome discovery. I can not really put it into words. The room was getting too steamy. I adjusted the temperature. It was difficult to breathe. I quickly grabbed up all the remaining boxes and sat down to think about them in this new light.
Amazingly, some I had held onto for years I was able to unpack, release, and let go. Still, others I could not. There was nothing I could think of that benefited either side of the situation. There was absolutely nothing positive I could find about the chain of events or persons involved; nor could I think of anything I did for them. Perplexed and disappointed, I continued to search for closure. After asking the next obvious question, 'what happened as a result?' I realized that after each situation I still had no answer for, something great happened to me. My life in some way improved. I made more money, worked better hours, gained freedom or confidence. These improvements were actually rewards for a job well done. Maybe He never intended for me to know the reasons why. I realize it may not be my place to ask. I feel as if I have been on this journey since my pre-teen years. Always asking myself why. Holding onto pain because I do not understand. Maybe I do not have to understand, but be thankful that I now have an imaginary closet with no boxes to place inside. The steam had cleared, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I let the water spray on forehead and stream down my face. Releasing the breath, I let out a sigh. I turned off the shower, stepped out of the tub, and let go of the pain.
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