dad.
what makes one?
sperm? alone
not at all.
love? alone
not at all.
what do you have,
when you only have one?
sperm or love.
dad?
not at all.
the sperm does not love.
the love cannot sperm.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
My Empty Closet
Just as the steam rose above the shower curtain, I pulled it aside and stepped in. I showered, reflecting on this week's topic; I tried to envision, like the group counselor suggested, placing each painful memory that I wish I could erase in a box, labeling it, and placing it on a shelf in a closet. The water was piping hot running down my back. I wiped away the tears and thrust my head back so that the water poured onto my face. Only for a quick second though, water on the face is a phobia of mine. The water felt as if it would peel off the skin on my face. I turned around to let the water beat on my chest and closed my eyes as the tears started to come again. As they washed down the drain, I asked myself why these memories continue to be painful to me. For some reason I think if I can just figure out why something happened, did not happen, or why it bothers me, then I can let it go.
An email I received a few years back contained a powerful message that has stayed with me. I think about its significance every time a chapter ends in the book of my life; and apparently I reconsider as I place imaginary labeled memory boxes on an imaginary shelf in an imaginary closet. The email told me that angels live among us. They are sent by God to help us, teach us, guide us or comfort us. The reasons are endless and unique to all. Some are in our lives for only a moment; some maybe a week, a month, a few years, maybe a lifetime. They do what they are meant to do and they move on. We call these angels friends, family, associates, bosses, bank tellers (you get the idea). The feeling I get from the message is to appreciate life's experiences and those who contribute to them. Know that even if things do not end with the resolve you hope for, a better day will come.
I try to find closure in situations that have ended badly by asking what the purpose of the event or person was. What did I learn? How did I benefit? What can I take with me to better myself as a person? As I confronted each box with this question, I realized they existed because they all contained questions I could not find an answer for. I went through them one-by-one, desperately trying to learn the lesson God had intended me to learn. Nothing. "Lord, help me gain the knowledge you intended; help mend my aching heart".
I started to place the boxes back on the shelf one-by-one. I thought once again about the email. Angels are sent to us for a moment, a day, a year. They are sent in the form of friends, family, etc. … And then it hit me! As if God whispered it into my ear Himself. What did I do for them? If it is possible for any random person to be a soldier of God sent to me to perform a duty, then is it not possible for me to be a soldier of God also? This was an awesome discovery. I can not really put it into words. The room was getting too steamy. I adjusted the temperature. It was difficult to breathe. I quickly grabbed up all the remaining boxes and sat down to think about them in this new light.
Amazingly, some I had held onto for years I was able to unpack, release, and let go. Still, others I could not. There was nothing I could think of that benefited either side of the situation. There was absolutely nothing positive I could find about the chain of events or persons involved; nor could I think of anything I did for them. Perplexed and disappointed, I continued to search for closure. After asking the next obvious question, 'what happened as a result?' I realized that after each situation I still had no answer for, something great happened to me. My life in some way improved. I made more money, worked better hours, gained freedom or confidence. These improvements were actually rewards for a job well done. Maybe He never intended for me to know the reasons why. I realize it may not be my place to ask. I feel as if I have been on this journey since my pre-teen years. Always asking myself why. Holding onto pain because I do not understand. Maybe I do not have to understand, but be thankful that I now have an imaginary closet with no boxes to place inside. The steam had cleared, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I let the water spray on forehead and stream down my face. Releasing the breath, I let out a sigh. I turned off the shower, stepped out of the tub, and let go of the pain.
An email I received a few years back contained a powerful message that has stayed with me. I think about its significance every time a chapter ends in the book of my life; and apparently I reconsider as I place imaginary labeled memory boxes on an imaginary shelf in an imaginary closet. The email told me that angels live among us. They are sent by God to help us, teach us, guide us or comfort us. The reasons are endless and unique to all. Some are in our lives for only a moment; some maybe a week, a month, a few years, maybe a lifetime. They do what they are meant to do and they move on. We call these angels friends, family, associates, bosses, bank tellers (you get the idea). The feeling I get from the message is to appreciate life's experiences and those who contribute to them. Know that even if things do not end with the resolve you hope for, a better day will come.
I try to find closure in situations that have ended badly by asking what the purpose of the event or person was. What did I learn? How did I benefit? What can I take with me to better myself as a person? As I confronted each box with this question, I realized they existed because they all contained questions I could not find an answer for. I went through them one-by-one, desperately trying to learn the lesson God had intended me to learn. Nothing. "Lord, help me gain the knowledge you intended; help mend my aching heart".
I started to place the boxes back on the shelf one-by-one. I thought once again about the email. Angels are sent to us for a moment, a day, a year. They are sent in the form of friends, family, etc. … And then it hit me! As if God whispered it into my ear Himself. What did I do for them? If it is possible for any random person to be a soldier of God sent to me to perform a duty, then is it not possible for me to be a soldier of God also? This was an awesome discovery. I can not really put it into words. The room was getting too steamy. I adjusted the temperature. It was difficult to breathe. I quickly grabbed up all the remaining boxes and sat down to think about them in this new light.
Amazingly, some I had held onto for years I was able to unpack, release, and let go. Still, others I could not. There was nothing I could think of that benefited either side of the situation. There was absolutely nothing positive I could find about the chain of events or persons involved; nor could I think of anything I did for them. Perplexed and disappointed, I continued to search for closure. After asking the next obvious question, 'what happened as a result?' I realized that after each situation I still had no answer for, something great happened to me. My life in some way improved. I made more money, worked better hours, gained freedom or confidence. These improvements were actually rewards for a job well done. Maybe He never intended for me to know the reasons why. I realize it may not be my place to ask. I feel as if I have been on this journey since my pre-teen years. Always asking myself why. Holding onto pain because I do not understand. Maybe I do not have to understand, but be thankful that I now have an imaginary closet with no boxes to place inside. The steam had cleared, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I let the water spray on forehead and stream down my face. Releasing the breath, I let out a sigh. I turned off the shower, stepped out of the tub, and let go of the pain.
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