It's been months since the Protective Order expired and thankfully, we have not had the slightest indication of trouble. I fearfully anticipated some sort of attempt to re-enter our lives, but so far nothing. I should be elated. Thrilled. Relieved, at the least. I am not. I continue to live in fear. In fact, the fear has grown since the order expired and with every passing day it worsens. Although it was just a piece of paper and could not actually protect me if he were so determined to harm me; there was a powerful force behind that piece of paper called piece of mind. Now that it is gone I feel victimized all over again. I didn't expect to feel these emotions as the expire date approached. Life for us has been on an upward climb since Jason came back into our lives. We are happy, the kids are happy, our relationship is strong and healthy. Our new life together is everything I hoped it would be. With him, I feel safe. Safe enough to throw caution to the wind and move in with him, abandoning my independence. Over the summer as I thought about both significant events, my thoughts were peaceful. One chapter ends, a new one begins. The worst is now in the past, the best is yet to come. Although I still believe that to be true, it is not entirely in the past. I am overwhelmed with flashbacks to times my subconscious had buried. Regular and very vivid nightmares have driven me to insomnia. After being diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I tried further suppressing these symptoms with medication. Sure, it helped for a short time. Triggers still affected me, but I was better able to pull myself out of the funk. I knew in the back of my mind that this was still just a temporary fix. As my counselor explained, these flashbacks and nightmares came to be because I am finally emotionally strong enough to deal with them. Medication and other means of suppression would only prolong the healing process for me. Sooner or later I would have to face this dead on. Emotionally strong enough? I don't feel very strong, but it's worth a shot facing these demons to rid myself of them for good. The sleeping pills help, sort of, so I continue to take those, but I have since stopped taking the prozac. I say the sleeping pills sort help of because they make me sleepy, but once asleep, the nightmares still come. Sometimes they consist of me going about my day but with that uneasy, always cautious feeling in the pit of my stomach. Sometimes they are so frightening that I wake Jason with the motion of my legs as I am running in my dreams or when I wake because I have fallen off my bed because of the struggle. The worst was when I dreamed that I was scratching his face and Jason was an unsuspecting victim. He woke me and said at first he thought it was our cat, but realized it was me scratching him. I broke down in tears apologizing and feeling absolutely helpless. How could I have done that to Jason? How can I stop these nightmares, and how can I live- and sleep like a normal person? This is what they refer to as the batterer's bonus. Even with him completely out of my life he has a devastating effect on me. I am eternally thankful that Jason is so loving and patient with me. Instead of becoming fed up with my inability to cope, he offers his love. "When he's coming at you, just think to yourself that I'm there with you and I'll kick his ass," he says. Sometimes this works, but sometimes he's the innocent bysleeper. Instead of getting angry about the rude awakenings, he tells me "so, i get scratched in the face... I'll wake you up and the nightmare is over." He truly is my hero. As I sit here now, I recall being told, "no one will ever want a single mother with two kids; I'm the best you could ever get." There was a time I believed that might be true. Today I know I have been blessed with a man ten thousand times better and probably more than I deserve. He loves me, he loves my kids, and he's the love of my life.